THE THINGS WE WON'T DO WITH OUR WEEKEND MINUTES.

For one of the first times in my life, I can't seem to find the song to fit my mood or what I've just been through. I realize that people usually describe "been through" to describe great personal tragedy, years of fighting for civil rights, or maybe childbirth. So prepare yourselves, because what I have is not close to that magnitude; conveniently, it's much more juicy. Settle in. Let's talk.

I'd like to start by blaming everything on Jon (lesson number one - always blame someone else. Don't say I never taught ya nothin.) He came through my door with a copy of Reality Bites this afternoon. I hadn't seen it in years. Some would think that, featuring my lookalike Janeane Garofalo, I would pour over it (and by that, myself?); not so. It was released when I was a lass of 16 and *maybe* indulging in my first kiss (ah, how a renegade high school house party will release the wild child in a girl). I had no concept then of anything beyond crushing. My devotion was, if ever, encoded in the shaky writing of simply friendly yearbook messages (Tony come back!). If I was really feeling like going on a limb, I would use high school GPS to 'position' myself by the lockers allowing for optimum sighting chances. When Reality Bites greeted American moviegoers, I certainly didn't understand the concept of boy-girl emotions (indeed, at that point in time, I probably called them such) and relationships and their complexities.

And so the soundtrack was more memorable to me than the film.

We sped through the movie. I tried to quickly memorize the series of brilliant quips, mostly failing, and rather gaping while indulging the gallons of coffee that allow me to now sit uncomfortably alert at this weird hour. After it finished and I watched the credits go by in a haze, I suppose I had a spirit of "why not" in me. I mean, as unfeasible as their future was, I rooted for Lanie and Troy. They had convinced the closet romantic in me that there is something to gain by laying emotions on the line from time to time. I put my coffee cup in the sink and had to wonder if perhaps what I'm looking for is as simple as someone to share a cup of coffee and good conversation with. I'm usually pretty good about telling people where I stand if it just has to do with me ("It's rainy out. I'm in a crappy mood.") But revelation of emotions that deal with someone *else*? What a concept. Intriguing and important.

As I watched the movie this afternoon, I wondered how sincere it was. I mean, could people REALLY look at each other and say "I love you." without knowing beforehand where the other person stood? Fantastic concept (golf claps).

In the movie, they could say those lines b/c Ethan could look with conviction into her eyes and spill his guts knowing that her next line was set. IT WAS ON THE TELEPROMPTOR. Whether it was this scene or the next one, he would get the girl. Revealing himself just moved along to the inevitable conclusion.

After reflection, I could see the merit. This bearing of the heartwaves should be done with calculated timing, I decided. I rewound the movie and sent Jon on his way.

And then a funny thing happened.

This evening, as if mocking me, my phone rang and it was a guy I'd been playing phone tag with for literally months. Someone from my tucked-away past. I'm talking five years of long-time-no-see. Someone who once had my heart more than he realized; or I did, for that matter. And someone I coincidentally hope isn't the internet dork I am :) Um, if he is, um, hi?

Tonight I watched thoughts that had been trapped in my head and heart escape me and travel down the line to the faraway place where he is (the faraway place where I left my correct grammar, apparently). Thoughts that had percolated (and often festered) in me bubbled to the surface and marched out of my mouth one by one. Sometimes they were greeted by silence; other times understanding or reflection. While it is crucial to be honest with yourself, I wonder if we (Ok, I) remember to put equal value on being honest with other people? And not the "well, you didn't ask!" variety, either. Maybe the two types of honesty go hand in hand.

So, does Reality Bite?

I think Troy would say it does. But he also lives at The Winter of Our Discontent, so really, you can't expect more.

Reality is personal. If something isn't working for you; if it feels like reality does really bite, maybe there's something to it. Reality bites, but when it bites, it bites you in the ass. Hard. And usually for a good reason.