For My Peeps Still Thinking About the VMAs

You know you are!

Let's start with a comparison Susie emailed me immediately following her viewing:

Genius really. You'd think with that to go from and how much I love Rocky Horror Picture Show (I can sing the soundtrack in foreign languages, but that's another story for another day) that I'd have watched this televised spectacle much earlier. But I'm a week behind on everything and I just watched them tonight... well, as much as I could bear.

Was it national Fire Your Stylist Day? Seriously, I'm the first to get in line and make fun of Britney, but she was just the tip of the iceberg. (big, big iceberg). What was up with Beyonce's gold garbage bag? Wearing a minidress with a similar asthetic was Jennifer Hudson. Honey, you can sing all the Oscar-worthy anthems you want to but that does NOT, I repeat, does NOT mean you can wear that mini-dress, I don't care how much you work out! When your co-presenter told you how beautiful you looked I yelled something at the screen and promptly blocked out who it was because I vaguely know that I used to like him and I hate liars.

And Alicia Keys' luminescent glow... off the middle of her nose? John Norris? Platinum blonde, rocking the Jared Leto couture? Who even knew there WAS Jared Leto couture until now?

When you can put tiny lil' Rihanna in an outfit that makes her look fat, you should not ONLY be fired, but perhaps executed. Hollywood stylists, off with your heads!

I'd comment on the music, but I thought the way they shot it left a little something to be desired. I felt like I was watching COPS footage: shaky cameras, not quite sure of what was going on, noise, suspicious activity, awaiting action that never really happens. I think my favorite part was Kanye running through his suite singing. Because you know that he was really just looking for another black person. Just one! Or maybe a lone soul who might actually *know* the lyrics to one of his songs?

I haven't watched awards shows in years. Now I remember why :) The best thing to come out of this show was a diarrhea joke by Sarah Silverman. That says something.

(Ps. I really tried to find you a picture of both John Norris and his blonde ambition and a comparitive shot of Jared Leto. The internet is devoid of them. As it should be. Now if someone could just get rid of Golden Glad Bag Beyonce, I'll be ready for the weekend)

I Hate Skinny People.

Author's note: In the past I've debated taking this article down because folks misread it in the most incredible ways. But I think the 40+ comments just means that this is an important issue to people. And while I didn't intend for it to be an "issue" post, things take on their own lives.

To be clear, it was meant to be a rant about how some days you just don't want to work out, you wish you were one of those people who leans back, grins and says "Oh, I don't work out." I love working out, I love the energy it gives me, and I love that I have a hilarious workout partner who brought up the topic, keeping me laughing.

I would never endorse hating anyone literally. (If I really hated someone, am I dumb enough to put it in the title? No.) In a world where women are put under a microscope for their every flaw, particularly in the realm of body shape, I wouldn't want to encourage further scrutiny, and I guess I touched a nerve with some skinny people out there (sorry, skinny people!). I genuinely feel for people who have major body issues, and this wasn't meant to promote them. God knows that's the last thing they need.

That said, I also feel for people who live a routine of working out, only to get up and have to do it all over again. The jokes in here are for them, something to chuckle about (although I don't encourage chuckling as a general rule) as they do that afternoon on the elliptical wishing someone would FOR THE LOVE OF GOD please change the channel from Maury at the gym.


Today I emerged from my run sweaty and bitter. Jessica and I discussed (on the ironic elevator ride back down to our apartment) how we wonder what skinny people do with all their free time. Seriously. On a normal cardio day you're talking about 1 hour of workout plus shower/beautification. On a Bikram day I'm logging 1.5 hours of class plus .5 driving plus shower/beautification. That is a big chunk of my day!

So what DO skinny people do with that extra couple of hours they have in their day? Do they have higher intelligence because they read more in their free time? Do they contribute more work energy to the world? Are they at least sitting still for that 2 hours and not melting our freaking planet? I need answers!

Usually I'd turn to Jon Yang for answers, he being my favorite token skinny person, but he's writing his debut novel (yay! double yay for author plugging!) So Jon, just do me a favor and comment whenever you're procrastinating next.

Jessica made the wise suggestion (help me petition her for her own blog. She has much to contribute, I promise you.) that maybe skinny people should just have fewer hours in their day. I thought of this as a "sit in the corner and think... really THINK about what you've done!" situation. But she just thought they could have less and the universe could tack those extra hours onto my day (and perhaps yours). So my ability-to-be-productive day wouldn't be hampered by my love affair with the elliptical machine or my need for hot stinky sweat with strangers at ungodly hours of the mornings (on separate mats people, separate mats).

I know, I know. I'm not saying skinny people are healthier than the rest of us. I know, I read those articles too. What I'm saying is that many of them (and oh how I can list the exceptions) look as if they're healthy even though they don't even know what a basal metabolic rate is. I had a friend who once told me she simply "doesn't like to sweat". Seriously?! You can just decide that??? Sign me up.

In the interest of time and my desire to sleep enough before I wake up for another grueling workout, I'm going to stop myself before I dive over the precipice of discussing those who "eat everything and I just can't put on a pound!"  Don't get me started.

I think skinny people owe the rest of us normal people an apology. You're throwing off the average weight scales at my doctor's office and you're making designers pee in their pants with excitement and I hate you for it. So answer me this- what DO you do with all that freaking extra time? How are you contributing to the universe while my kin and I jog (to the tune of Eye of the Tiger, when necessary)? That's right. You have made Sylvester Stallone a necessary part of my day, and you shall suffer!

Welcome to the new order. Take a seat skinny people. And think about what you did. No talking.

Click on this image for a good laugh.


I have no idea how this could be. I kept clicking on the page to refresh because I thought it was a sample page to show you how to read your results. I did this about 3 times before succumbing to the fact that the Dept of Real Estate just has no standards. Whatsoever. Plus this makes me "that girl" (the girl who says they are going to fail and then doesn't). I was totally hating on my friend for passing when she said she didn't study and now I had to go and impress myself like this.

Anyone looking to sell a house? ;)

Survey Says

I'm a sucker for this stuff, I know. But it's also Mondayish here at the Procrastination Station.

1. When you want to have "you" time, what do you do?

Ug. I think I check email!!!! I go to yoga or read a few pages of whatever book I'm trying to get through.

2. Are you comfortable with answering personal questions?

Depends on who is asking.

3. Have you ever cried and didn't know why?

Um hello, I am woman, watch me sob. I got a little choked up at The Nanny Diaries yesterday! But those might have
been tears of joy because it was almost over.

4. When is the last time you were truly happy with your life?

The other day I was driving in my car and feeling pretty damn happy, so a few days ago. Generally anytime I can stop
worrying then I start to be truly happy.

5. Have you ever found someone of your same sex sexy?

Oh! Is this one of those personal questions that I'm supposed to act comfortable answering? I think I find women attractive but not sexy?

6. Do you think long distance relationships are ever really worth it?

I used to think so. I guess it depends on how commitmentphobic you are :)

7. What did you do at your lowest point in life?

Went to law school. But that might be more cause than effect.

8. What brought you back from that?

Graduation. Therapy. Got out of LA.

9. Have you ever envisioned your own wedding?

Not really. That whole "not knowing who the groom is" throws my imagination off!

10. When is the last time you personally made someone else cry?

Ooooh. I think I know the answer to this but I won't confess! She kinda deserved it (and no Susie, it wasn't you!)

11. The last time you were kissed, where were you?

At the front door of a certain someone's house.

12. Do you eat a healthy diet?

Does ice cream three times in one day this weekend count?

14. Do you believe exes can really ever be "just friends?"

Sure, but that ex has to be worth it as a friend, and in most cases the reason people break up is that they weren't!

15. Would you attend each of your ex's funerals?

Not unless wearing red was acceptable. Kidding. Oh, like the movie scene where The Other Woman stands far back from the crowd, wearing a black veil and shedding a single crocodile tear? Sure! Who are we killing?! No. Honestly, when I'm done with a guy, I literally don't want to spend another second on him. Unless as per #14 we stayed friends.

17. Would you be able to date someone who had a kid with someone else?

I think so. I love love love kids. It would depend on the situation though. No baby mama drama for the Lillymonster!

18. When is the last time you were on vacation?

A few weeks ago, Viva Las Vegas! Before that in June/July, Turkey and Greece.

19. Do you make your bed every day?

So sad, so true.

20. Are you too shy to tell people when you're developing feelings for them?

Oh yeah. And beyond my being shy (which I AM!), I apparently hide it really really well even when I adore someone.

21. Do you use the Internet or television more?

The internet. But not enough to call it the Net. That's just annoying. Our cable has been out for 2 months and I"m waiting for the cable guy just now if that tells you my relationship with tv.

22. Have you ever worn black nail polish?

This weekend actually. I rode the Vamp train back in '95, people.

23. How much older than you is the oldest person you've kissed?

I think 5 years.

24. How much younger is the youngest?

Haha. I think 3 years?

25. Which celebrity have you been compared to most?

That would be Janeane Garofalo.

26. Do you have romantic feelings for anyone, and if so, do they know?

Yes and yes.

27. What are your plans for your future?

With 30 looming I have a lot of figuring out to do, don't I. Did my dad write this survey???

28. Do you want to be in a relationship right now?

Do I?

29. If you could pack up and leave your life now to move away, would you?

No, I tried that. I love my family and friends and my SD pace of life right now. Never say never though.

30. Have you ever done any acting on stage?

I was in the choir for Guys and Dolls in 7th grade. I hope to never wear a bonnet again.

31. Do you like being in pictures?

If they document a night of troublemaking, yes. If they involve the DMV or gym membership, no.

32. Do you cry easily?

Not at all. It's a complaint actually. I've literally tried to make myself cry and ended up cracking up.

33. Have you ever been more attracted to a significant other's sibling than them?

No. This beats the "do you like broccoli" questions though!

34. What is the last fun, free activity you did?

Walked around this gorgeous neighborhood by the beach with Jessica yesterday.

35. Do you enjoy romance?

If a guy can bring humor into romance and blend them, he's got my attention. So yeah, romance with a twist.

36. Do you tend to fall for people easily?

I crush easily. I rarely fall.

37. Have you spent more time in your life single, or in a relationship?

SuperSingleGirl! (she gets tangled in her cape)

38. What person in your family are you the most like?

My mom for sure.

39. Are you quick to start a fight?

No. I am a conflict avoider (except where family is concerned!)

40. Have you ever put anything other than cheese in your grilled cheese?

French people put ham and eggs in my grilled cheese. But I love them anyway.

42. Do your parents really know YOU?

They know 85% of me. Drunk lilly and dating lilly are relative mysteries to them.

43. Have you ever felt invincible?

Sometimes on the dancefloor :)

44. How many cars have you owned?


45. Do you get along well with your siblings?

Yeah. They crack me up. As of a week ago we even have a song...

46. Would you rather be cheated with or on?

Cheated on. I don't deal well with guilt.

47. Do you feel like you've got some growing up to do?

Sometimes I do, sometimes I think I'm more grown up than I should be.

48. Do you like to dress up?

I'm Persian. But of course. But not all the time. If I could live in my bellbottom jeans I totally would.

50. Do you own a little black dress?

I have like 3 of them, never worn. That Cosmo stuff is so not me!

51. Where's the last place you slept?

What was his name again?.... Kidding. My own bed, although said sleep was interrupted by a migraine and then (thank you California...) an earthquake!

52. Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

I really want to and kinda repeat it like a mantra. It's not easy to believe until later, when you can look back.

53. What's bugging you right now?

Call me. I'll tell you about it. :)

C U L8R.

Ok people, we need to deal with something and we need to deal with it now. I've said it before and I'll say it again: technology will be the downfall of modern dating.

I know, it seems so convenient. Text someone, ask them out, Myspace them and drop them a line. But as much as technology has hurried our ability to contact (and dare I say, stalk) one another, I think it's a swift kick to the ass of the daters of the world.

Granted, I can only imagine what it would have been like to date in an era where people did their romantic business/appointment setting either in person or on the phone. But I imagine it had to be better than this.

How many friends can I watch annoyedly (yes, that's a word now) looking down at their fancy schmancy cell phones in dismay? If I got a ruble for every time I saw that look of disappointment, I'd be a rich woman. So then that begs the question- did he get your message? Did he get your text? Did he get the email? Were his filtered out by the evil internet gods that clear the screen after I've written my wittiest correspondence? How many times have I heard a friend say "I don't know- I texted him but I never heard from him after that..."

After great thought I can assure you that technodating problems arise in a few key categories. Beware ye modern dater! I caution you regarding the following:


PRO: Quick, easy way to reach people. Ability to impersonate Prince on the regular 4U can do it 2. You can write them when you feel like sending and they can answer at leisure. See also: mass texting. I have heard of guys texting a group of women, and whoever answered first would get his company for the night (O lucky girls!). It's a good way to give/get status updates ("which bar are U at?") and to keep the communication going without a significant time investment quotient.

CON: Once you have crossed the line into text messaging as a main form of communication, it's hard to go back. Why talk on the phone if you can just text your thoughts and get back to what you're doing? People assume that if there's something to be said it can be said via text. This quickly supplants any other communication, so basically you're on an email relationship before you know it. But not even that good because you're limited to 100 characters or whatever it is.

PRO: Ability to avoid people. Ok, so maybe at this point you're moving out of the dating of said person -- the denouement if you will, then this is a great way to do your own thing and let them down easily. Unless you're a guy I went on a lunch date with who proceeded to text me (I kid you not) that he "was sorry about what happened between us" (which, dear reader, was a turkey sandwich and a whole side order of bored out of my effing mind) and that he knew he "had issues". Now, personally, that's not stuff I'd want in writing of any form. But texting it? So sad for him!

CON: Word texting. You know, where you just hit the keys and a suggestion of words comes up. Gotta be careful with this one. For example, my friend was joking with a guy she had just met about weddings, a topic he had brought up. She meant to write "big wedding" and wrote 'bed wedding". And never heard from him again.

PRO: You can ease INTO communication with someone you're interested in without directly calling them. A flirt here and a flirt there and there is the possibility of growing into full-fledged (gasp!) phone conversation or, hey, a date. On that note, though, I'm still in the balance about being asked out on dates via text. Something about it feels weird to me but I have been assured that I'm just slow on the times.

CON: Lost text messages. Can I get a "whoop whoop" from people who are fellow Sprint customers? Awaiting a response, you wait and wait. But they never got yours in the first place. Annoying. All that self-doubting for nothing.


PRO: You can express yourself via the written word. You're not limited in characters. You can email away at work and look like you're being productive. You can crack witty jokes ad nauseum. Impress her with your written stylings.

CON: Email filters. Some of us have an email address that involves "persianlilly", and some of us end up in the spam filter along with "PersianKitty" and some other slightly suggestive monikers.

PRO: You can put yourself out there without really putting yourself out there. For some reason people find it easy to say things on email that they would never in a million years say in person. Shyness just evaporates behind the electronic curtain. Granted, this is a double-edged sword in that you run the risk of presenting your 'representative', a guy (or girl) who is just way wittier or more interesting than you are in person. Because, granted, you did have two days to write an email that comes off as a breezy communique. This is the correspondence equivalent of the "just got out of bed" look that women spend 2 hours before their bathroom mirror cultivating.

CON: Tone. My scientific evidence notes many problems with this angle of emailage. While some people express themselves better via email, a lot of people write emails that just don't convey the tone they meant. So emails come across with a bitchy/assholish tone when they're not meant to be that way. "Yeah, I hate fat girls" just doesn't have the same ring it does in person, when you can run damage control and explain your sarcasm and or say it in some way that would not be construed as an insult against self-conscious women in general.

For me and mine, a group of notably sarcastic folks, this tone situation presents a problem of the highest degree. We spend all day writing and many of our jobs involve perfecting the ability to communicate exactly what it is we're thinking -- and assume everyone else can do this too. We will then proceed to read the worst possible interpretative tone into the notes we receive, and make ourselves miserable in doing so.

Bonus round of CON: people who are generally well spoken will send off an email rife with grammatical mistakes revealing that they never quite got the difference between its and it's or their and there. Survival of the fittest will take hold.


PRO: Cyberstalking! Yay! You can see what people are up to, and generally monitor their whereabouts. That girlfriend he said it was over with? Why has he checked his page every day in the past three days yet not changed his status to single? Eau de bad liar! That sort of thing. Likewise you can see photos of their lifestyle and apply autofails as needed ("are those... TEVAS?"). You can have a great personality, but if you're posting pics of your abs in the bathroom mirror, Lilly don't want none of that.

CON: Ability to know that someone has read your email and not responded. Were they just busy? Did they accidentally click and not read it? Was your joke about your feet just not as funny as you thought it was? Are you being rejected passively? It's a downward spiral, people.

PRO: Swapping flirty comments with friends to elicit jealousy in the object of your affection. I know of many people doing this (unfortunately I am not among them. My friends tend to make fun of me on Myspace more than anything else.)

CON: Ability to check that someone has been on myspace and yet not HOW DARE HE called you like he was supposed to. Also, ability to preruse your beloved's site and see that a bikini-clad slut has commented about his whereabouts the previous night. You can fall prey to other people's machinations (such as the revenge tactics of the jealous Bikini Clad Slut). If he has time to change his 'mood' on myspace, he has time to call you back... right?

PRO: Fan mail. Your day can be brightened by the fact that at least SDLover ("being married doesn't mean you're happy..." -- directly quoted from an email I got this week) wants to get together with you.

Short of instituting a class action suit for broken hearts against Sprint and/or Rupert Murdoch, we need to bring some human interaction back into this stuff people. I know that face to face (or ear to phone) communication is stressful for our generation, it being so foreign and all, but I hear they did it back in the stone ages and it worked for them. I mean, we're here, aren't we?