Joan Rivers Ain't Got Nothin' On Me

I watched the Oscars too. Okay, at home. On my couch. In my sweats. With Jon, who played Melissa to my Joan. But we were there. I don't know that I've ever watched them before. I think I have seen repeat clips, including but not limited to some old guy who won dropping and doing push-ups. Name escapes me, as did the interest to ever watch them in full. You may wonder what the result of the evening was. Well, first and foremost, I lost the betting pool we had going. Apparently I suck at mindreading the academy. That makes some $20 I've lost in gambling endeavours to my friends this weekend. I turned off the tv with the sinking feeling that I *might* have just wasted 2 hours of my life, shock and awe at the fact that Jamie Foxx's speech made me cry (although his movie didn't), and a compulsion to apply as a seat-filler for next year, to help them save face. I mean, as long as they continue giving awards in the aisles, who could resist?

THE BASICS
The way I see it, the Oscars are a comedy of the absurd. It's beautiful, rich people celebrating themselves. They do so in song. And if you're beautiful and rich in 2005, this song might happen twice, both times by Beyonce, with significant costume change. Some stars who absolutely do not belong on the scene make appearances to be sure that they, too, are counted in the census of the beautiful and rich untouchables. Enter Prince. "This evening, Prince (twirl) is wearing a silky purple jacket ensemble with white palazzo pants". You know it's bad when they let Antonio Banderas sing but you don't. This is when you take them up on the "regrets" part of RSVP, bro!

THE CATFIGHT
The Academy, much like San Quentin Prison, recognizes the ethnic groupings of its inmates. Why else would Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek present together? I don't know if they don't like each other or if they were just pissed to appear onstage in matching hairdos. I would be. I get the feeling Salma's the smart one and Penelope is the barbie of the two, but in any case, it was very, very weird. They gave each other one fake smile. I think it was more that Penelope grinned at Salma and caught her unexpectedly, so Salma forced one back. If they'd been kept on camera 5 minutes longer, I think we might have been graced with a Million Pesos Baby reenactment. Then maybe Beyonce could sing for us again.

RETURN OF 90S POPSTERS
Oh, Counting Crows! THERE you are! I've been looking for you! Not. A few weeks ago, a friend told me that Adam Duritz's hair is a wig given to him by his father. Contemplating this factoid was the only fascinating thing about their performance. That and wondering if Jennifer Aniston would even consider him while on the rebound.

WHO ARE THE PRETTY PEOPLE?
Guaranteed next year's presenters will be uglier. This year they outshined the actresses. You saw them - the tall, georgeous women in gold dresses. That's like bridesmaids upstaging the brides. And when you have actresses with questionable fashion taste (hi Kristin Dunst), well, you have to take measures.

OH, SO THAT'S HOW SHE GOT IT
I have spent quite a while wondering how Sandra Oh got the role in Sideways. Then the screenwriters won and came up to thank their wives. Oh, looky here! Sandra Oh is one of them.

BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT
In an effort to reduce the physical strain of walking up to the stage, the Academy now awards winners in the aisles. They run a dizzying camera down the aisle where the nominees are seated, and the winner comes to the mic to accept, much like the question-and-answer sessions following a David Sedaris show. Only not funny. Just insulting.

THE NEXT KARATE KID
Won the Oscar. Enough said. See you next year when Son of Mask sweeps...