Fan Mail.

Sometimes when I sit down to check email -- ok, every time I sit down to check email -- maybe I pretend I'm reading my fanmail. Who loves me? What do they think I can advise them about? Am I keeping them on their toes? Clients? Friends? Mom? The spam mail is just a red herring in this quest to connect with my public. A few lines in (or a cup of coffee later, whichever comes first), I'm quick to realize that Abu Kambuzi from Nigeria doesn't *really* need my help transferring millions to his account. I refocus and apply myself to giving useful advice to writers or friends (or completely useless advice and/or obnoxious and unsolicited life commentary, depending on the friend), channeling my thoughts out at 100+ wmp.

And when email fails me, and I'm super-bored and don't want to do my work, I will go back through my blog, beat myself up about typos, and read comments from my TRUE fans. Or obligated friends, as the case may be. Which led me, on this particular evening (it was that or continue reading a book about Mormons that is barely holding my interest) to a few months back when I posted a brief chain letter of sorts. The post I offered had concluded with offering readers to send me three questions which I would then answer.

But I realize tonight that I never did answer them. Oops. With an attitude like that, how do I expect to keep my fans?

Taking a page from the "better late than never" book, I'm going to go ahead and answer them.

WITH APOLOGIES, I OFFER YOU:

1. What’s with this new pink color on your blog?

Answer: My blog, as you, dear reader, must be noticing, is no longer pink. I go through phases when I need change. Expect frequent overhaul of my blog design if I can figure out how to not lose the comments you've all posted ("I" = Jon, my tech guru, friend, client, coiner of the phrase "My agent, my life." and author of THE ROUGH GUIDE TO BLOGGING, forthcoming this summer. How's that for a shameless plug?).

2. Where/what is Mathissexy? I tried mathissexy.com; it wasn’t anything interesting.

Answer: Mathissexy is something my sister mentioned on her blog. I don't know what it is, but since it generated from my sister, chances are it's hip and ahead of the curve, and thus something you and I won't be privy to for another 2-3 years, at which point she'll tiredly point out "I told you so."

3. Can you make gobs of money being a literary agent?

Answer: The short answer to this one is yes. The long answer is that one in a million do. But we all agree that I'm special like that, no? Keep checking back. James Frey and his agent have parted ways, so...

Kidding, guys, kidding.

I personally could make gobs of money if you refer up there to #1 and buy Jon's book. In bulk. For years.

B1. Why study French instead of Spanish?

Answer:

In general -- French is very pretty, but short of living in France, French Canada, certain parts of Africa, or dating Gerard Depardieu (how many blogs can boast his name coming up TWICE?), eet eez maybe not so -- how do you say? -- makeeng of sense.

Personally -- My parents didn't really see the point to us learning Spanish growing up. What was the point? We were in the midwest -- *we* were the only brown people in town. At least with French we could communicate with the family members abroad that we (my sister and I) so staunchly refused to speak Persian with. Plus when they sent us away to language camp in the summer, it just seemed like you'd be better behaved at the French camp. It translated to "less fun, more manners."

Moving to California was a big ass reality check and now my brother, mom and I all speak it.

Truth is, in a country where we regularly massacre our own language (it's English, by the way), I'll support whatever language you'd like to study up on.

B2. How sinful is it to be a closet label whore? Not LV or anything obscene like that, but say, 7 jeans, or Valentino sunglasses.

Answer: In Lilly's Book of Sins, this fit in right between "wearing Tevas" and "not flushing". I thought the whole fun of being a label whore was the exhibitionism?

B3. Overrated, overroasted Starbucks or messy and time consuming but perfect stove heated Bialetti moka?

Answer: Starbucks. I would elaborate on this, but I can't even see how it's a question. Although if they promote anymore crappy albums, I may have to convert.

1. what are you getting dad for xmas?

Answer: Hi Susie. Every year I give dad something that bows to his dismay of all things gifty just a bit more. This year I took a funny investment book from the free books shelf in my apartment complex and wrapped it up for him, labeling that it was acquired at no cost. By next xmas I should be giving him things like homemade coupon books boasting such treats as "free parking at 7366 Fairway Road", "this coupon entitles you to not be given a new tie for Christmas", and "You can walk the dog." Can't wait.

2. what's the grossest thing you've ever eaten while on the atkins diet?

Answer: I ate a hell of a lot of bacon the first time I was on it. I mean half a pack in one sitting. Serving sizes mean nothing to me when I'm on Atkins.

3. name the top five things you miss about south haven, michigan

Answer: In no particular order-- sitting by myself on the grass watching the sunset, Ryan Gardner's cute friends, that feeling of hope as I'd enter the pawn shop looking for cheap cassette tapes, the smell of mom heating a rhubarb pie from Crane's orchard, and getting all the neighborhood kids together to create a whirlpool in the pool at night. (It was harder to limit that to 5 than I thought it would be. Oh South Haven, Michigan, 49090, how I miss you.)

1. Do all the real men migrate to Vegas?

Answer: By "real men" do you mean "greasy chest hair caught in rusting faux gold chains basking in the stink of last night's hookers"? Just checking. Real men VISIT Vegas, find a cute little Persian thing at the craps table, and strike up a witty conversation. WHERE ARE YOU, REAL MEN?

2. What (if any) articles of clothing do you swear help you get lucky? (I have my own sad list)

Answer: If I'd found the outfit, I don't think I'd be sitting at home alone blogging at night, now would I?

3. Is Ocean Beach the Gyro capital of the world?

Answer: I would assume Athens is, but don't quote me on that.