The Parsnip Opera: A Four-Part Meditation

BIRTHDAY
The birthday came and went with a bang thanks to a surprise party thrown by my family and my roommate, all of whom (who?) knew about my last-minute depression and jitters about turning that corner into my 30s. Highlights included but are not limited to:

* doing a keg stand while held up by the other four members of my family (photographic evidence may or may not become our Christmas card...)
* being pushed into my parents' unheated pool roundabout 11pm
* switching into random sweats and tee shirt and proceeding to...
* dance to Madonna megamixes (praise the DJ who will sacrifice his artistic integrity to please his birthday girl)
* chicken fighting. not in the pool, but rather on my parents' nice persian carpet in the living room

I think it was a fun night, and just acting so crazy reminded me how much youth I have in me. The walking pneumonia that I've had since is further reminder of my youthful ignorance.

BRITNEY: MY GIFT TO ME
The girl we love to hate. On my birthday the weather was crappy and I wasn't feeling well and had no idea how I wanted to spend the day. So Jessica and I headed off to my favorite store, Best Buy. I won't even try and save myself by telling you what else I bought in that same shopping trip. I don't need to redeem myself! The truth is, after reading a few reviews, I marched right in there and bought "Blackout", the aptly-titled new LP from said songstress.

And dare I admit how GOOD this album is? It is. I know, just flip a few entries back and you'll read me making fun of her. But that's how she LOOKS. I love her crappy VMA dance performance, and have performed it religiously myself every SINGLE time it has come on within earshot.

People, her album is seriously more-than-decent. It takes appropriate digs on FedEx, backed by Pharell, no less. It also rips off Timbaland's sound, but it's done so well by Danja (whoever that is) that I don't even care - I give him props for doing it so well. And she even has a Britney-trying-to-be-Gwen-trying-to-be-Madonna-ish song "Heaven on Earth". Just like you, when I read it I dared hope it would be a cover of said Belinda tune, but it does a good job on its own. She doesn't sound like a dirty, angry goat in any of these tracks. She sings in a higher register and it is oh so danceable. It's true. I bought my first Britney album. Maybe my midlife crisis is coming early, but so is hers. And it sounds oh so good.

WHAM!: MY GIFT TO YOU
A while ago, I put a few things on my netflix queue that remained distant gems for a rainy day. Alas, what showed up in the mail this sick week of mine? The Wham! video collection. I know, take a moment with that. See what you can remember. And now let me tell you- not ONLY does George have the most amazing feathered hair, short white shorts, and one-foot spins (punctuated by a timely snap), but he has Andrew Ridgely. Sometimes they are half naked in the pool, sometimes they are half naked in a broken-down car on the side of the road. Sometimes they are in feathery snowsuits, enjoying a Last Christmas together. What I know is this: One - Wham! is an underrated talent of the 80s and, Two- we were all seriously distracted by Cyndi Lauper and Culture Club at the time to not notice that this guy was gay. At one point they don't even dress up as pilots but as air stewards. Did we need a painted neon sign folks?

WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES. AND HOW.
This book was given to me as a gag gift for my birthday, and I did you all the favor of reading it immediately. It's actually quite entertaining, and nope, 'bitches' doesn't mean what you think it does here. Suffice it to say there's some entertaining and incredibly true advice in here. I gave a friend the cliffnotes version and she's going on two dates this week (granted, this begs the question of why I can't take my own advice, as I sit here blogging, which, let's be honest, is basically emailing with yourself)

Apparently it's news to some people somewhere that men like women who have their own thing going on. Hey, if this woman makes millions selling that "secret", more power to her. It's a fun book with a little attitude. It tells you that it's great to cook for guys- and then gives you a recipe for microwave popcorn. My type of book.

PARSNIPS - MY GIFT TO EATERS
I am trying to turn the corner to become a vegetarian (I've cut out everything but seafood) and a healthier eater, and this involves me finally getting to know the extended family of the produce aisle. I wish I could tell you that this week's groceries didn't involve parsnips, rutabagas and beets, but then I'd be lying. Tonight I made "parsnip chips" and they were actually really good! They're like the healthy version of french fries. (work with me here)

And you and I, we depend upon our honest relationship, so out with it. I wish I could tell you that this is the worst my grocery has gotten -- parsnips and other bizarre root vegetables-- but recently in making a (delicious, I might add) lentil soup, I needed a can of prunes to garnish. I am a prune buyer!

I figure this is appropriate now that I am "in my 30s"... but the prune thing was last month.

FINALE:
Well, if you'll forgive me, my metabolism apparently went on strike right before I turned 30, so I'm off to workout. I'm sure you can count on more bitching about that very soon, dear reader.