We Take These Truths to Be Self-Evident

Theorem #1: You will check the time/speed of the person on the machine next to you at the gym.

Proof: I do.

Theorem #2: We don't count calories of food eaten while standing.

Proof: The lifestyle of most people I know, especially those of us who have an ongoing buffet courtesy of a wide-open refrigerator door.

Theorem #3: Everyone loves to hi-5, no matter how hard you try to stop them. (And how I've tried)

Proof: Most of you.

Theorem #4: No one really read Beowolf.

Proof: The box office.

Theorem #5: You check yourself out in the mirror.

Proof: That's why you look so damn fine yo.

Theorem #6: Cyberstalking is just "social research".

Proof: It has become socially acceptable. I mean, when was the last time you sincerely called someone a 'stalker'? Exactly. Oh, the number of times my friends have made use of their firms' Lexis subscriptions. Watch out ye boys who want to date them, we know your divorce is not yet final!

Theorem #7: The whole western world except me has seen "The (damn) Notebook".

Proof: People keep pitching me things as "it's the blah blah blah version of the Notebook". Not knowing much about said film, I then picture a spiral-bound notebook, which is unhelpful to all involved. The guys I know who made Braveheart and Gladiator a hit with repeat viewings mention it in conversation. Blech. File it under 'Tuesdays with Morrie'

Theorem #8: Whoever smelt it dealt it.

Proof: It's always guys who smell it. And everyone knows girls don't poot.