The Resume

We always use resumes to apply for jobs. Well, the other day I was whining to Jon via Twitter about hanging out before he left town for a trip, and I realized I sounded like a nag, so I followed it up with a comment about how "today, the role of Jon's needy girlfriend will be played by Lilly". Which was funny given that I'm not his girlfriend. I'm just a friend of the female persuasion who wanted to get in some hang out time (but seriously - Jon, if you're listening, call me when you get back...)

Since Jon does not have a naggy girlfriend, he suggested that I apply for this position formally, and submit a resume/application.

Which of course led us to consider what such an application would look like. What would a dating application, if it was a pen-and-paper thing, possibly consist of? If we put it into the typical resume format, it might go a little something like this. As a girl I'm gonna come from that side of things, but I'd love to hear how a guy would approach it. (Jon? Jon, are you out there? Call me Jon!)

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Objective: Well, here's what, just like in a real resume, you'd load it up with what you know they want to hear. These I'm sure would range from the truthful to the blatantly false.

"Looking to find someone to have fun with and take care of."

"To create a relationship that other people will envy."

"To find the person who will compliment me the most on a daily basis."

I'm not sure how the golddiggers would spin this (can the gold diggers even spell?).


Romantic Education: I would not recommend that ladies tell the truth here. No one wants to hear about how many Lifetime movies you've watched. Romantic Comedies are not the school of education a guy wants you graduating from, and we all went there for undergrad. In general, romantic comedies and television suggest that men are always properly groomed, have witty conversation, and are motivated to date. They essentially set up a domino chain of expectations, and guys know this. US Weekly is bad news too. This is one job where work experience is more important than pedigree -- pull a Bill Gates and move on to the Employment section. Skip education and move to the real world.

Current Employment: If you are currently "employed" as a girlfriend, you probably shouldn't be applying.
Memo to Tiger, who apparently faxed his resume all over town.

Previous Work Experience: Here, your goal is to list each previous relationship, duration, skills learned, and of course the "Reason for Leaving". No one wants to see that you're a job-hopper, you know? If I had my way, you'd be able to take some space to critique the job (wish that was true of the run-of-the-mill resume too).

Sample from the Resume of Jenny A.
"Bradley P. 1998-August 2005
Reason for Leaving: Relationship intercepted by maneater.

Samples from resume of me

"Mr. Y June 2002- Sept 2002
Reason for Leaving: Subtly Fired.
Rebuttal: I learned the valuable lesson of not dating someone who refers to himself in the third person...
and using his nickname."

"Mr. X November 2 2004- November 11 2004
Reason for Leaving: On second date, the other individual confessed previously owning an ear collection
(put together and preserved by himself), ie. I resigned. (true story)"

This section would really give a person perspective on where you're coming from, any habits you seem to have (example: just heard about a woman whose fifth engagement broke off. future daters might want to see the previous work history on that one)

Skills: Get your minds out of the gutter! This ain't that kind of party. Skills could include "ability to entertain myself on football Sundays"; "great interest in cooking for poker night then making myself scarce"; "forgiveness"; "learned talent for grinning and bearing inlaws"

Interests: Just like a job, you're gonna tweak this to impress the audience. No one is writing "surfing porn" on their resumes, now are they? But they're doing it, 20/20 says so! So your interests can be charming things like "learning new meatloaf recipes!" "finding new sports teams to root for!" (note the exclamation points- they exhibit enthusiasm)

References: This is a tough one- while girls wouldn't mind a girl friend or two vouching for a new guy, the idea of a girl having references is just shady. References might be avoided unless you have a friend in common.

Of course, as with any application process, the resume would best be accompanied by a flowery cover letter explaining why the candidate feels they are a good match for the other party. It would also, for those of us who are complete snobs, help us weed out the people who simply can't write.

And resumes leave a written record of the person. Resumes that are passed over by one party might be passed around or saved for future reference. You know, on a lonely weekend, you could just go through your file and ask if they're still interested in the position.

The more I think about it, instituting a resume application procedure could really revolutionalize dating. For one thing, as soon as a fight broke out, one party could pull out the resume and point out any misrepresentations. "You said you were a world traveler. An annual ski trip to Canada does NOT make you a world traveler!"

Ah, love.