How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Text the Ways.

I've said I’d write about this before, and here it is:

Technology will be the downfall of romance.

I’m sure I’m not the first to say it, but hopefully someone soon will be the last. It's something I've thought about a lot, and finally was motivated to put down (ironically in e-format). I needed to address the situation after hearing an ongoing stream of horror stories: Reading a tone wrong. Realizing that the guy you have so admired doesn’t have basic spelling on lock. Being sent a text clearly meant for someone else. Being sent a photo that begs to be forwarded to your entire address book.

I am particularly sensitive to the intersection of technology and romance for two reasons- one, I myself am guilty of relying (too) heavily on electronics for communications. And two – I am extremely sensitive to the way people communicate. Whether it's because I pick my own words carefully or if I’m just the sensitive type, I choose every word I use specifically because it’s the word to use, and I assume others do too. (This is a really, really bad idea. Just trust me.)

Someone already established that men and women hail from different planets, and adding techno-translation is frankly a problem we all don’t need. Yet, we increasingly rely on technology to communicate with the people we are bringing into the innermost parts of our lives. On the one hand, we over-rely on it, and on the other, we ourselves become guilty of the over-reveal. Can we preserve a little mystery, people?

The following is (sadly) only a partial list of electronic communications that are throwing a wrench in it for all of us.

TEXTING

The most common guilty pleasure. You know you do it. Texts can be cute, we think! They’re a way to tell someone, in a limited number of characters, how you’re thinking about them. They’re offhanded, they’re fun! But here are the catches:

a. Technology is not reliable.

Now, I think a lot of people use this fact as an excuse (“Sorry! Never got your message!”), but it’s gotten so bad that recently my friend and I had to decide to “roger” this or that so we know our texts went through (cough cough, SPRINT). Sad state of affairs for 2011, but it is what it is. So when you send a text, it’s become a little more of a message in a bottle than we previously anticipated. Which creates a dilemma when there is an awkward pause. Did you make an off-color joke and get silence back? Now you’ll never know if you pissed someone off or if they didn’t get it at all.

b. You are minimized to a few sentences.

Bcuz u b turning women off with u letters instead of words.

Look at how dumb Twitter can make people look. Texting does that for you every day. Writing on the fly is the quickest way to show someone that, if you aren’t paying attention or if you're limited for space, you can look ignorant of basic grammatical rules. Ok, that’s not a dating dealbreaker (for most people), but I’m just saying, it doesn’t help. And don't even get me started on sexting.

And then there’s the whole tone thing. No one has developed sarcasm font, which I have been pushing for for ages. Women in particular are guilty of hanging on those sentences, unable to read tone. Was he kidding? Was he serious? Now she won't know, but she'll save the text and ask 23 of her closes friends. Ay.

Some men try to convey tone with emoticons, but we all know that is really just tough territory. Note: avoid putting noses in your smiley faces at all costs.

EMAIL

Email represents a problem that exists with technology as a whole. That is: not everyone is on email the same amount. Someone told me about a teenager they know who sleeps with her phone ACROSS HER EYES so if it buzzes with news (text, email) she will wake up. The point is, we’re all connected to a different extent.

I have a desk job and many people I know do too. So we respond quickly to most emails. They are a welcome break from spreadsheets, powerpoints, and emails that make your eyes roll. So yeah, given the choice between reviewing someone’s latest report and reading a juicy email from a friend, I’m no dummy. I’m gonna hear that “bing” on my personal email and get happy. And the fact that I type 100+ wpm makes it easy for me to respond quickly - and sometimes, at length – to you. It doesn’t mean I’m in love with you. Well, it might. The problem being that it probably gives that impression regardless.

Last weekend my friend and I discussed the intersection of technology and dating at length. We imagined (remembered?) what it was like dating back in a day when people went on dates, then had a week of silence in between and didn’t think anything of it. Because it was NORMAL. She pointed out that, back in the day, a you would never expect the other person to check on you in the middle of her workday. People had their own lives, which they could then discuss on a scheduled date. They did not have a constant thread connecting them to the boring minutae of each others' days.

No matter how busy a person is these days, you could be a surgeon on the fields in Africa, and the person you’re dating expects that, since you have a phone on you, you will be connected. Today, knowing that you can reach someone at virtually any point, there is an expectation there. The fact is, yeah, sometimes we leave our phones on the dinner table, sometimes it's on our desks, but not always. Having access to someone's phone isn't the same as having 24/7 access to them. Or is it?

As if we aren’t all reading too much into everything anyway, non-communication becomes a void, a failure, if someone we like isn’t responding. If someone texts someone else and doesn’t hear back for 4 hours, it becomes an implicit statement of disinterest. Which is, frankly, insane. Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self. And yes, I just said that.

THE WEB IN GENERAL: RESEARCH TOOL OF THE MASSES

Stalking is a fine line, my friends. My people and I have debated at length the propriety of doing a Google search on someone before a date. I am anti. When I have Googled (rare) it has been because someone told me to or because I need a picture. Ok, and maybe to check that there’s no outstanding criminal situation.

The technodilemma we’re facing in the day of Google is that much of the fun of first dating-- the revelation stage - is taken away. When someone tells me where they’re from or their education or about their travels, I get to enjoy exhibiting genuine surprise. My friends cannot always say the same. (I’m sure they fake it well) But what Google has you doing is creating even more preconceived notions, one way or another, about the person. The organic getting to know you process is totally obliterated.

And don’t even get me started on the Facebook friend add. You don’t bring your high school yearbook on a first dinner date, do you?

SOCIAL MEDIA, OR AFTERMATH REPORTING

I think we can all agree that, in the day of social media, privacy is gone. One girl I know decided to break up with a guy because he "checked in" somewhere with another girl while they were dating (in her defense, he’s obviously an idiot). Social media gives us a venue to cross-check what someone tells us about themselves, because most people don't even realize where they are inconsistent.

This becomes highly problematic after a date, after a relationship, if someone posts something vague but unpromising. You will automatically read into what it means. (“You’re so vain” is about all of us, honey.) Even worse if they are blatant about it. And yes, for a minute I felt a wave of regret for the blog posts I’ve written about certain dates. But just for a minute.

BACK TO THE BASICS

Well, the good news is I can identify the problem. We are relying on modern technology to communicate where we’re all still getting the hang of said technology, much of which has only appeared in our lives in the last decade. The bad news is I’m not sure I have a solution in a world where online dating is on the rise, everyone has a laptop, and the new iPhone model is like crack on the streets. Obviously we’re online all the time, we’re on our phones all the time.

I don’t want to get crazy, but maybe we can mix it up and go old school once in a while. Didn’t you hear? The ringing of the phone is the new mating call.