That Last Ten Pounds

Whatever. As if. You really thought I was going to resolve to whittle myself into perfect shape yet again, for the 15th year in a row? Come on now. I got realistic this year. I decided to broaden the New Years Resolutions.

New Years Resolutions are an iffy subject with me. On the one hand, I want to make them, to join the legions of Americans who are promising to become their best selves in the next year. Then again, I feel like I should hold off until the first day of spring, launching my resolutions at the new year I genuinely celebrate, the Persian one. Or maybe I should have American resolutions for my American persona and Persian resolutions for my other persona? Examples: American persona vows to lose 10 pounds, be nicer person. Iranian persona vows to stop wishing ridiculous amounts of facial hair on fellow Persian females I don't particularly care for. And so on.

This year I decided not to think so far ahead (March = so far), so I racked up my resolutions. I wanted to learn conversational Italian, practice yoga more regularly, run 100 miles over the course of the year, finish Anna Karenina for once and for all... but the list looked so blah. And it wasn't much different than what I promise myself on a regular basis anyways. So I decided to "think big". To go more for thematic, quality of life-oriented decisions. Here they are:

1) To drop guilt. Jessica used to say that "guilt is a worthless emotion". I didn't understand. I heard her, but I didn't *get* it. I couldn't imagine getting rid of guilt any more than I could imagine letting go of my long hair or my eyeballs. Or my typing fingers, come to think of it.

I loved when she'd say it, because it was a comment usually aimed at my ex, or another guy on my Shit List of the Week. They'd push the wrong buttons, get on my bad side, realize they had taken me for granted (is there a patent on this procedure?), and then feel guilty about what they'd done. And Jess and I, suited up for a long walk through the hills of Westwood, would just tsk and say "Guilt? Guilt is a worthless emotion." And that would be that.

Guilt pervades many aspects of my life, and I'd like to clear it out and make room for other emotions I haven't explored that much. Like love. Or rage. Haven't felt much rage. Confusion? Nope. Know-it-alls don't go through that one very often. Euphoria. I'd like a bit of that.

Ultimate reason for dropping guilt: guilt IS worthless. It means there's a situation you're just dwelling on, without doing anything about it. It had never occurred to me, Miss Woman of Action, that this was a sticking point. You're not making the situation better, you're just feeling like shit about whatever has happened. Worthless. Consider it done.

2) To stop being so hard on myself. At least one friend has countered that I'm genetically coded for guilt by virtue of being Iranian. Hm. Is that a challenge? So far, I've spent 2005 eating cookie dough with abandon, taking a few days off work, no matter how many calls I've gotten or emails fester in my inbox, and refusing to be hard on myself about it (not to mention not feeling guilt about it). I can't imagine what a year without being cruel to myself about every aspect of my life will be like. So far, it's great. Like a daily vacation. Next year, I'm asking the annual gods for my own cabana boy.

So this is how the year begins. I've already been cosmically tested on both prongs of my New Years Resolutions (what, you thought it would be easy?), and I almost caved. But not quite. It's not easy work, sticking to these things. Halting yourself from writing a smooth-over email for the second time, or calling someone just to be sure that you don't have a reason to feel guilty. Ignoring the stack of paper that looms over you, casting a shadow over your desk.

Sometimes I think that, by comparison, ten pounds would be a cinch.