*BEEP* A MESSAGE FROM THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM

I think this qualifies as an emergency. My sister thinks I like country music. Shit. That's like if someone accused me of liking Danielle Steele books or how Julia Stiles dances. As in, you could be ruining my rep. So let me take a moment to clarify. I don't HATE country music anymore. I'm embracing white people and cowboy hats. It's sociological research, really. I'm trying to get inside the mind of Red America -- but through their ears. Or something like that. It's totally, um, subversive.

I'm over country music. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. What I want to talk about is the phoenix rising from the flames that is Mariah Carey. I have been totally CAPTIVATED by her new single. The video is less impressive, highlights being her dancing around in only a long shirt and then running away with some guy (implied to be her stood-up groom's son) and driving away with him in a convertible with the train flowing and dragging behind them. Somewhere Vera Wang is crying.

Back to the song. Which is SPECTACULAR. I think it's been a little while since pop has had a songstress (this goes on the list of words I hate but use anyways like "schlep" -- subcategory: Yiddish words Muslim girls probably have no place using and ginormous, which I found out yesterday is the #1 most used non-dictionary word, thank you Ameer).

The song is "We Belong Together" and slides off the cheesily titled "The Emancipation of Mimi". And the remix featuring Styles P is only more infectious.

ON ALBUM TITLE: I feel her. I mean, I've watched Cribs. I would probably need to be emancipated -- or just escorted back to safety -- if I had walk-in closets larger than multiple-family homes (she loves her white tanks). To be fair, she did need to be emancipated from Tommy Motola. She had to be emancipated from short shorts (although her video suggests that she's mid-process). She had to be emancipated from black tank dresses and Whitney Houston duets.

ON THE SONG ITSELF: It's very sad. The last song that bothered me this much was "Hands" by Jewel, which, much to my dismay, gets me teary. But more than that, it's an infectious song and has the hallmark of what made her a star. The singer that pumped out "Vision of Love" and "Vanishing" is back. Her Rainbow album boasted hip hop friends and a voice that stunk of too many smoky rooms and late nights and too little chamomile tea. In my defense, I didn't buy it. The break point on that decision was a song dissing Derek Jeter. I don't like him, but I didn't like her flat singing even more. And so I moved on. I suspect this may be reason for her nervous breakdown, but sources haven't confirmed.

ON THE 'ARTISTE': I've been wondering all afternoon how someone who comes across as so super-ditzy (I'm being very polite about this -- see In re Cribs Visits Mariah Carey) can be such an incredible artist. I've heard that she insists on being heavily involved in the arrangement of her vocals. And it's pure genius. So how??? I console myself by thinking everyone gets different talents. She got the voice of an angel, but she can't dance for shit. (It's fun to notice how they try to work around this very obvious fact in her videos.)

ON ME: I don't care if the rest of the album sucks - this song is GOOD. She works in hooks from some r&b classics and it's so simple with just a beat and sparse piano chords. In an age of pop songs being hypersuperoverorchestrated, I love it. Enough to write about it. Or maybe I'm just taking attention away from my detractor and her "country-loving" allegations. Which, must I remind you?, are false. Slander! Libel! Someone call a lawyer!

So, for all you Mariah-haters out there, I regret to say that I'm giving up my post as club president. Unless I find out "We Belong Together" means she's trying to get Derek Jeter back. In which case I will resume my post, effective immediately.