Hire Me, Britney

The other night my friend and I were, wouldyabelieveit, rambling on about nothing. This nothing quickly came to conversation about Britney Spears. My friend's query to the universe (ok, or me) was "What if Britney did a country album? Can you imagine ---" and she *wanted* to continue her sentence with something like '--just imagine how horrific that would be?" But I cut her off.

Pure genius.

I'm not one to beat on someone when they're down. Ok, I am, but only if it's funny. I don't even think Britney's "sitch" is funny. Getting pregeroni by a guy you lifted off a pregnant woman -- a guy who calls to mind Vanilla Ice's better days? Hm. A step down from Justin, I'd have to say. I've started to suspect that she's on Glamour's "Don't" list payroll. One magazine tried to tell readers that she'd cut her own clothes as a fashion statement. But I could see the truth. Someone played her "Hit Me Baby" one time too many and she'd shredded her own clothing with her fake nails. Somewhere in between flying in a jet full of Coffee Bean (thanks US Magazine for that crucial info). Once so cute and sweet- on par with Mickey and Minnie and the rest of the Disney gang, she's taken a turn to the dark side. She kissed Madonna, which would be a step up, but Sandra Bernhard beat you to it. You danced with a snake, but -- oops!-- LaToya Jackson beat you to that. And you got half-nekked and sweaty in your videos- but Xtina beat you to that. Before taking your man away on tour. It's been a rough ride is all I'm saying.

But as my friend spoke those words, something made total sense. THIS COULD BE HER SALVATION. I think the country world will take her back. If I were here manager, my business plan for her would involve a return to Christianity ("let's just snip this little red string around your wrist, shall we?"), big big curlers, and perhaps a twangy cover of "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong", with a b-side of the national anthem (of course).

Hell, she's got so much going for her -- the fashion sense. She's got the excruciating accent. The political "sensibilities" of a girl who's never left the farm. The main problem lies in the fact that country singers-- much as they make me cringe (or used to) -- have good voices. She'd have to work on that one. But she could pack a stadium in Louisiana any day.

And so much drama to sing about, no less.