I'm not invisible.

Well, apparently I am. Lately I have noticed that my guy friends talk about women like I'm not there. This is surely the result of the "best girl friend" aura that I seem to have, where boys feel they can just be boys around me. For the most part it's fun and I'm sure it would provide great insight into men if I were able to learn something substantive from their openness. But lately the conversations sound like this:

Guy A: Yeah, so I was at my gym and...
Guy B: Did you see that hottie?
Guy A: Yup, hottie was present and accounted for. Smokin'!
Guy B: I'd tap that.
Guy A: I'd bang that in a second!
Guy B: So are you gonna talk to her?
Guy A: Fo sho. She's got a sick body.
Guy B: She's a cutie.
Guy A: She's kinda a slut... but that's cool.

(names of the participants have been changed to protect their feeble attempts to woo women countywide)

So today I had had enough. I took my case to a wise (female) friend. I told her I was losing my faith in men based on a few factors, not least of all being privy to this sort of guy talk. She was quick to point out two things. The first is that men act macho when they're with each other. I had honestly never thought of this. Was Guy A bandying these terms about in an effort to impress upon Guy B his superior masculinity? Maybe. Girl-getting and girlwatching is a time-honored male sport of bonding; I was forgetting that.

And secondly, she pointed out, they would think WE were crazy if they heard what we say in their absence! Before I could debate her on this, I had a thought. It went like this:

Girl A: Yeah, so he didn't email me back!
Girl B: That's crazy. I mean, when you constantly are emailing, you are creating a LEVEL OF EXPECTATION.
Girl A: And he didn't honor that!
Girl B: That just shows he lacks character.
Girl A: Or maybe just email access?
Girl B: Well, think back to his last email. What did he say? Were there any clues in there that he was going to cut communication?
Girl A: He said he'd talk to me later.
Girl B: Did he say "talk" or did he say "email?"
Girl A: Not sure...
Girl B: Because it makes a difference... Did you say anything unusual to him in your email?
Girl A: I told him I had a lot of work to do tonight.
Girl B: OH NO! That's like basically TELLING him you have no time for a relationship!
Girl A: Shit.
Girl B: It's ok, I mean, you didn't know. But we have to figure out how to fix this.
Girl A: I think I still have his last email, should I forward it to you?
Girl B: Yeah, and cc Girl C on it. I bet she'd have some insight too. We'll analyze his email for you.
Girl A: So I shouldn't call him?
Girl B: You have to play the game!
Girl A: I don't like the game though.
Girl B: But you have to be in it to win it.

I want to disassociate myself from such scenarios, but then I'd be discrediting the *amazing* email analysis service I have offered various girlfriends. So my friend isn't that far off in pointing out that girls act crazy and weird when they don't think the other sex is listening. And that, if examined in a vacuum, our behavior would scare men too.

I feel better now.

So next I"m going to try to understand the disconnect between what men *say* they want and what they go for in reality. My paper, tentatively entitled: "A little bitchy never killed a relationship: A scientific examination" will be forthcoming.