Hey you - plan my life.

So yesterday a friend who I think (hope?) was joking asked me what my big plan is. He was studying for his board exams while I was doing homework. I'm always doing homework, working for a bunch of different clients and projects, keeping busy- I'm busier than anyone I know- but what is my "BIG PLAN"?

I have no clue. I really don't. I've just never had a big plan. When I was younger I just relied on my parents to tell me. Sadly for them, they got an F on that paper! We planned that I'd get married early on, have 3 kids before 30, and so on. I was going to be a judge! No one thought (least of all myself) that I'd go to a top-20 law school but then graduate hating law and everything I'd studied for 3 years (to my defense, as soon as I'd mastered Constitutional Law, the government saw fit to detonate it with the Patriot Act).

And it's not just my professional life- it's my personal life too. I don't know where I want to live or what sort of person I want to be with. I know what I don't want, but I don't know what I necessarily *want*. Which will horrify THE SECRET fans out there. That's like rule #1- not to focus on what you don't want. But what can I say? I know I don't want a guy in ugly sandals. I don't want a guy who has never left the country or read a book. I don't want a guy who isn't physically active. But whether he's x or y ethnicity, I don't know!! Apparently I'm flexible on the big things and inflexible about the small things. Man-dals really are a deal breaker!

So I have no big plan, and I don't know how to get one. My friends have always daydreamed their weddings. Last week I went to my best friend's wedding and watched her fairytale unfold- she married the *exact* type of guy she's wanted since we were 18 years old. She had the storybook wedding and dress she's always wanted. She never debated an elopement or a destination wedding or a flowy white dress on a beach. She knew, and she got.

I think things get tougher when I realize that people are watching and wondering what the hell I'm doing. If I was a rebel with a cause, that might be one thing, but instead I've gone off the beaten path and I find myself looking around and going "hey guys? where is everyone?!"

I know pieces of what I want- I want to travel abroad, I want to raise a brood of worldly kids with long tangled hair and dirt on their clothes from playing outside, I want to read libraries full of books, I want to dance until I'm 90. I want to have good conversations and close friendships. But the bigger stuff? The structure? I'm really lost on all of that. I've never once in my life been able to answer the question "where do you see yourself 5 years from now?". Not once. When I was in elementary school and they asked us to write about it, I went to my parents about it, and now I don't even trust myself. I'm 31 and I still can't answer a grade school question?? Holy smokes.

Maybe I should make a Suggestions box and wear it around my neck.


feeling entropy said...

what you want it the tough part. getting it is the easy part.

Omnisprime said...

do not want. just do and things will come.

Anonymous said...

Move abroad... shake things up. Become a member of an international community full of people who have lived really cool lives. :)