Cupid, You're Such a Jokester!

There is perhaps no better people watching than online dating. A bunch of girlfriends and I decided to try it (haphazardly, much as we've tried bar crawls, riding the bull at Saddle Ranch, and squid sushi - with varying rates of success). So I pretty much cut and pasted my myspace profile (which most of you know) to try my luck with cybercupid. I always forget I have an account, but once in awhile I'll check in and see that I have some mail. Now, if you've visited Myspace or my closet you may be familiar with my "Stop Bush" t shirt. (If you're my friend and reading this, there's a 90% chance you own one too). I wore it at the Red Dress Run years ago and the pic is up in my profile. So imagine my surprise when I received this "fan letter" in my inbox last week:


****
Subject: Too Bad U R Clueless

Nice shirt...save it for the trash man.....

What books do you read about the government that make you laugh? Ever remember the word BIAS from school? Name 3 people in the Democratic Party that you can actually look up to and respect? Yeah, one can't...which is sad, 'cus this country needs at least 2 strong/seperate parties in order for it to survive. Dumbacrats have let their party down and have weakened our country...the Clintons, Pelosi, Kennedy, Mike Moore, Al Fraken, Streisand, George Soros, Gloria Steinem, Norm Chomsky, Cornel West, Howard Dean...race baiting freeloaders Sharpton and Jesse Jackson...all LOSERS and HYPOCRITS...

Good Luck In Your Search To Find MR. RIGHT
****

I know, I know. Where to even BEGIN with this one? Of course I immediately forwarded it to the aformentioned group of online girls. Who had a field day with it and insist that I write back. Lemme tell ya, it's taking every ounce of willpower in me to resist.

Perhaps I should start by pointing out that for someone who doesn't like him, it's impressive that he's on a first-name basis with Michael "Mike" Moore. Or that I've never heard of Al Fraken or Norm Chomsky, but it sounds like they might be related to Al FRANKEN and NOAM Chomsky. I hesitate to point out that neither Gloria Steinem nor "Streisand" are considered leaders of the Democratic party, but hey.

This is the part when I will now critique his spelling. Not just the "U R" that was until now exclusively reserved to his Purpleness, but the fact that he can't spell 'separate' or 'hypocrite'. I normally wouldn't expect better, except, get this:


(wait for it)



He's 42.

I know! You'd expect this hate mail to come from a hormone driven 13 year old in the backwoods. But this guy is local. He's a father to some kids who are probably already sporting Bush Farm & Ranch team shirts. Why do I know this? Well, a girl's gotta read about her fans, doesn't she?

I won't paste the whole profile because, frankly, you literate minds don't need such suffering, but here's a favorite passage:

I'm looking for the "girl" next door type...one with good values, morals and one who has a positve outlook on life. One who only has baggage when she travels and realizes "drama" was an optional course in High School! I'm "young at heart" and prefer someone to be younger than me. My "ex" was 10 years younger and we got along great until she betrayed our bond.

The sporadic use of quotation marks regrettably continues through his profile. Such as his photo disclaimer:

The "suit shot" is a recent photo...and I've been told I look younger than my age?! So if you are looking for a Calvin Klein underwear model...I'm no longer "him"(but I'm still in great shape). I'm older...but my close friends would say that "I'm a beautiful person"...

And there you have it- it's possible to type like a valley girl. Do the photos include a sweater tied around his neck? Oh yes they do. I can't get enough of this. If he hadn't emailed me directly I would think it was a parody profile made up exclusively for my amusement.

Reading the profile I forwarded more carefully than I had, one of my smarty lawyer friends quickly did the math. And apparently the long winded passage about his cheating wife provides the variables for an equation computing that she was 18 and he was 28 when they married. But rest assured- he's a mature one, as evidenced by a joke provided for his mature audience. When prompted to write about his heritage Mr. Wonderful elaborates that:

My dad was "all Irish", my mom had a little Irish in her (that's why I'm here)...

Ew.

I didn't even "get" that "comment" until my friends pointed it "out". Blech. I "feel" like I "need" a "shower".

Boy oh boy. Honey, you messed with the wrong girl. You made this Dumbacrat's day.