Baby I Got Your Money, or Eloquent Slogans for Your Entertainment

"Should five per cent appear too small,
Be thankful I don't take it all.
'Cause I’m the taxman,
Yeah, I’m the taxman.

(if you drive a car, car;) - I’ll tax the street;
(if you try to sit, sit;) - I’ll tax your seat;
(if you get too cold, cold;) - I’ll tax the heat;
(if you take a walk, walk;) - I'll tax your feet."

You know another song I love? Whatever that one is that goes "money money money mooooonaaaaay MONEY!" That's a great song. It's a happy song. The one they play when you win bingo on a cruise ship. I sing it to myself when I win a scratch-off ticket. I sing it at the ATM. You know what I *don't* have right now? Money money money moooooooonaaaaaaaay. That's right. I just did my taxes. I heard you sigh. I actually heard your sympathy. Lemme tell you folks, paying your taxes after a year of toiling for your self-owned small artistic business is enough to make even the most liberal girl want to go straight to Uncle Halliburton for a job. Sheesh. In one quick signing of a check (or three, yes, I had to pay three checks) I could feel my morals just dangling in the wind like Britney Spears' offspring.

I went to the library to remind myself to stop spending so much money on books. "Stop spending money!" I said to myself in between parroting the Turkish 101 cd in my stereo (so it sounded more like "Stop spending money! Afedarsunuz! Stop spending money! Engeeleezjeh bilyarum. Stop spending monoey! Tashakorehdurum.)

"Drink tea at home!" I went to Starbucks. "Don't eat out!" I went straight to Jyoti for a slice of Neatloaf (thinking that a cleansed body counts for something). Basically I stopped short of buying a new outfit in which to practice my new thriftiness. What can I say? Old habits die hard.

The only good thing I see coming out of tax season is that everyone hates it in the same way. My dad, who, while hating taxes, is inwardly smiling at how savvy and valuable he is, hates it. My friends hate it. For some reason taxes never bothered me before, probably because I was so poor that I wasn't paying much. But this year we bond. It's like the new "Lost" for me- I have something to talk (bitch/analyze) with everyone I meet. We "get" each other. It suddenly feels like the only reason we make money is to be able to pay our taxes. Everyone loses. No one brings up that taxes fill potholes (which I don't even believe b/c that's how I got a flat tire this year. I want my taxes back!) or pay for education or safety. Because no one cares. Stuff your silver lining. We're in bitch mode. Hello April!

Maybe tax season should be like the lotto. Every year a handful of people nationwide would get picked NOT to pay taxes. "Congratulations Marvin Durfelhammer, you do NOT have to pay the government this year. Heeeere's your money back. Just because!" It brings me joy, and dare I say hope? just thinking of it. I bet more people (we're a competitive country) would pay taxes just to take the chance they'd be forgiven. I could be on to something here. Political bloggers, are you listening?!

But the tax system is what it is for April 15, 2007. It is a pile, a machine, a vat of suckage. I join my fellow Americans in saying words that may touch our hearts more than Oprah. Words that bring tears to our eyes -- even more than when some poor sap tries to hit the high notes on the American anthem. I think I speak for all of us when I say: "Fuck you Uncle Sam, fuck you and the three legged goat* you rode in on."




* imagery by Jessica